You can't make a moron soup without vegetables.

Yesir if stupidity could take the form of matter, I would've drowned by now. Being trapped in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of nimrods is how serial killers are born. I believe thats how the shining started. But whatever. Land of the dead came out recently and my zombie personality is needing a short fix. If anyone has seen it, put your commentary here. And yea, I don't really feel like writing much right now so I'm gonna just go dance with my cat for a while or something until something happens. My blogging spirit has much so declined.

Feeding instructions: Feed as a snack. (No thanks, I will pass on the steak.)

So I decided to delete the last thing cause it just plain sucked. But anyways, this weekend I'll have to be going to my cottage with my relatives (see picture above for my reaction). The problem is however, it isn't with the relatives who know what they're doing. No sir, it's with my mom and her sister and that could prove to be disasterous. Although there's one reason why I'm reeeeaaalllllyy looking forward to it.

The septic tank is fucked.

So pretty much, in an effort to impress her sister, my mom is going to be swimming in shit this whole weekend. Literally. Fortunately enough for me, I have no shame in crapping in a hole in the forest, and I can pee standing up. So I'll be cool in the excrement category. For food, my mom can't cook either so I'm gonna have to carry the team on that one as well. But I'm just waiting for her to say "What are you talking about!?!? I can COOK! Watch! I'll make everyone an incredible steak dinner." I'm just waiting for her to try buying the right kind of meat cause she never goes shopping. I'm just waiting for her to undercook it and I am definitely just waiting for everyone to get intestinal problems without a working toilet. Rather impatiently too, I might add. This weekend would be hell for any normal person, but a great time for evil little boys like me.

Well, there's all that and I get to golf and work on my doll. He really is coming along. I will post a picture once he's done which will probably be next week.

matt damon

Edward.

Alright. Let me start by saying if you plan on drinking more than you normally would, do not do so in a suit. Having said that, let me continue with the story.

So there was a party. Not just any ordinary party. But a fancy 40 party. Breaking that down for you, we have:

fancy: adj. One who is fancy. By so, meaning in fancy attire.
Ex. You are one fancy fellow Mr. Peter.

40: n. A bottle, usually containing alcohol, which is 40 oz. (or 1.14 L for the simpletons).
Ex. I think you should drink another 40.

So that's what I was up against. And with my personality and themed party's, I go hard or I don't go at all. So I needed a kickass suit. I decided to wear my blue pinstripe suit, my white pinstripe shirt underneath, a black tie, and diamond studded cufflinks.

Oh, and my green converse shoes just to show that I was fuckin' serious.

So I go looking for this guy's house, and I go way too south, then north, then farther south, then north, then to the wrong building, then i got trapped in the elevator, but sure enough after a long enough adventure, I found the place. I get in, I take my two 40s, and I decide to play Edward Fortyhands. Thus resulting in me duct taping a bottle to each hand and going the night as so. However, right away I only had enough tape for one hand so I just carried the other until I had more tape. Now, I really didn't think that one through. I needed access to my zipper a number of times over the course of the night. And I had two fingers available to do so. Let me just say that it wasn't easy and I felt like one of those crippled old men in the bathroom for so damn long you begin to think that they're doing something in there besides crapping such as backgammon or changing into a superhero costume and fighting crime for about an hour and returning to the window and having to change but leaving the bathroom looking exhausted because they were fighting so much crime but you just think its cause he's an old guy who uses all his energy crapping.

Anyways

I had a difficult time there. And I hadn't eaten all day so I had some cereal in a measuring cup that I ate throughout the night. The frosted mini wheats were easy and I had no trouble with those. But once I was really drunk and was hungry and tried pouring rice krispies into my mouth but I didn't have hands, just bottles for hands. So as I lifted it to my mouth and turned it to pour into my mouth, I also turned the bottle, pouring Old English brew all over my head and suit. My hair was quite soaked afterwards. I also ended up doing pullups for some reason at one point, quite drunk and without hands. I dunno how I did it, I shouldn't have been able to do one under the circumstances. I was a fool to even think I could do it with one hand..err..bottle.

As for the commute home, well there's nothing to say there other than puking in my shoe and hitting my face on the bus door as I exited. Until next time, same neurotic time, same neurotic channel.

Chuck.

After going to a book signing thing of Chuck Palahniuk, I've been reinspired to write again. I haven't done so for a couple months now cause of a slump in my life and all the dying bloggers (except for Natalie, who has given birth to a new site, check the links). So I'm gonna start writing stuff again, cause those old stories about el babylon and whatnot were fun.

And as for Chuck, he didn't start writing till he was 31 I believe. So everyone goes up and down.

Neurotic man and the miracle of discovery.

So I know I haven't written anything for a while. Perhaps it is the progressive death of the legend of the bitter pie. Slice, that is. Probably not. So with that, I bring another adventure of neurotic man.







































END!

Whore Island was a sausagefest!

What would you expect? A bunch of banners saying how many easy women there are there, you wouldn't for a second see one saying how many guys there are at the island. Yesiree, it was one good old fashioned Oktoberfest. But seriously though, cuba was alright but it was all old people and 12 year olds getting drunk off two beers. The occasional girl here and there but they were few and far between. It was good quiet time and I got a nice tan so I couldn't ask for more. Plus it was all inclusive so I drank a lot of liquor. There was actually a point where the bartender didn't want to give me anymore cause I drank way too much, despite the fact it was an all inclusive resort. The Cubans obviously don't see too many Canadians at the bar.

What better way to celebrate my return to Canada than a 15 hour sleep.