Shut the fuck up Donnie. You're out of your element.
Well I asked my sister to give me something to write about and she said "ferrets in top hats and bow ties". Quite frankly, that just will not fly. So I'm here to talk about matters more important.
Oh yes. Thats right. I dug out my old edition of this baby and put her to work. But seriously, its a little too horror cliche. A bunch of zombies, vampires, werewolves, chainsaw wielding maniacs, martians, etc. being chased down by a kid with wayne static hair and x-ray glasses and a chick with big knockers. It doesnt possibly get more horror movie cliche than that. Unless of course they were attacked during a drug binge, and/or teenage orgy in an abandoned cottage in the haunted woods and/or skinny dipping in any body of water with the name ending in the word "lagoon", and/or visiting the recently deceased in a graveyard. The list goes on. So here is my explanation why the world will one day be overrun by ferrets in top hats and bow ties.
So. We all know about the great attempts by man to learn more about the universe. So the latest mission is to shoot some sort of projectile to match the speed and coordinates of a comet, in order to take a picture of it to learn more. Or maybe its to shoot something at the comet to crack it in half and photograph the insides, I don't know details. Well once scientists accomplish this (cause we all know they will. Go physics.) they will develop the film to find out that the only thing that they took a picture of was a big white ball showing no detail. Being extremely frustrated by this, a great scientist by the name of Dr. Van Tongue will attempt to capture a comet, in mid flight mind you, to make up for the loss of his accomplices. Unknowingly to him, as he attempted to contain it, it BROKE LOOSE and ROCKETED TOWARDS THE EARTH. Jettisoning itself down the deepest volcano on the planet, it strikes a hot surface somewhere deep within the Earth's crust. All volcanos and springs will erupt with the contents of this comet, which will one day be known as "Solution Z". Humans alike will all breathe it in and become as we today call zombies. However, in the distant future, they will be known as the living impaired. They will feast upon the flesh of others. Those others, in an attempt to stop them, will nuke the Earth, attempting to destroy each and every impaired life. However, in this attempt, they will destroy all forms of life on the surface of the planet. Through the smoke and wreckage that was once our homes, small burrowing animals will emerge from the ground. These animals were once known as ferrets. They will start as an inferior race, but will eventually learn to walk erect, and dress with dignity. Some may even adopt personality. And when the dust settles........
........There will only be the ferrets.
(Honest to god, there's a whole fuckin' online store selling ferret junk. Go back in like a week, I guarantee they will be out of business. They will bury their merchandise deep within the Earth's crust, where the ferrets will one day have their last laugh.)
Oh yes. Thats right. I dug out my old edition of this baby and put her to work. But seriously, its a little too horror cliche. A bunch of zombies, vampires, werewolves, chainsaw wielding maniacs, martians, etc. being chased down by a kid with wayne static hair and x-ray glasses and a chick with big knockers. It doesnt possibly get more horror movie cliche than that. Unless of course they were attacked during a drug binge, and/or teenage orgy in an abandoned cottage in the haunted woods and/or skinny dipping in any body of water with the name ending in the word "lagoon", and/or visiting the recently deceased in a graveyard. The list goes on. So here is my explanation why the world will one day be overrun by ferrets in top hats and bow ties.
So. We all know about the great attempts by man to learn more about the universe. So the latest mission is to shoot some sort of projectile to match the speed and coordinates of a comet, in order to take a picture of it to learn more. Or maybe its to shoot something at the comet to crack it in half and photograph the insides, I don't know details. Well once scientists accomplish this (cause we all know they will. Go physics.) they will develop the film to find out that the only thing that they took a picture of was a big white ball showing no detail. Being extremely frustrated by this, a great scientist by the name of Dr. Van Tongue will attempt to capture a comet, in mid flight mind you, to make up for the loss of his accomplices. Unknowingly to him, as he attempted to contain it, it BROKE LOOSE and ROCKETED TOWARDS THE EARTH. Jettisoning itself down the deepest volcano on the planet, it strikes a hot surface somewhere deep within the Earth's crust. All volcanos and springs will erupt with the contents of this comet, which will one day be known as "Solution Z". Humans alike will all breathe it in and become as we today call zombies. However, in the distant future, they will be known as the living impaired. They will feast upon the flesh of others. Those others, in an attempt to stop them, will nuke the Earth, attempting to destroy each and every impaired life. However, in this attempt, they will destroy all forms of life on the surface of the planet. Through the smoke and wreckage that was once our homes, small burrowing animals will emerge from the ground. These animals were once known as ferrets. They will start as an inferior race, but will eventually learn to walk erect, and dress with dignity. Some may even adopt personality. And when the dust settles........
........There will only be the ferrets.
(Honest to god, there's a whole fuckin' online store selling ferret junk. Go back in like a week, I guarantee they will be out of business. They will bury their merchandise deep within the Earth's crust, where the ferrets will one day have their last laugh.)
posted by Peter at 10:37 PM
2 Comments:
Holy shit! I used to love that game and still have it. I was just thinking about it the other day and now I see it larger than life here.
Did you ever beat it? It's pretty fucking tough at the end.
And have you ever played the Splatterhouse games? I liked them too.
What about ILLBLEED on the Sega Dreamcast?
Anyway, you have an interesting theory on ferrets. I don't know if I could handle a planet of ferrets though. Apes were bad enough.
Later!
yea, i beat the zombies ate my neighbours game, did it start to finish in one sitting, it was good. i am that much of a game dweeb. the women dont have to like it if they dont want to. and yea splatterhouse is awesome as well. havent seen illbleed though
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